I found this canvas in an antique shop in Houston’s Montrose neighborhood. It stopped my heart. This is how I see myself. This is who I am at my core. But the picture can be interpreted differently from my view. This is a mother protecting her son, a sister protecting her brother, a wife protecting her husband. That is what I see, that is how I see myself. I thought about this all last week. How do I love? I fell in love with my best friend at 17 years of age. We floated in, out and around one another even as I was set to marry someone else, it was interrupted by this man that I felt so drawn to protect. We were together through three children and another 17 years. Our parting was sadly hostile and it broke me in ways I am still recovering from. Our oldest was married last October and for the first time I felt more peace around my ex than I had ever before. I don’t think I will ever recover from the loss, it was devastating, destructive, and broke my heart. Even as I write, I feel the tears welling. The wedding allowed me a time to be at once happy, content, angry, anxious, and calm. I looked out at my family and felt satisfaction, I felt love. Love for my daughter and son to be married at last. Love for my daughter and son supporting their sister. I felt love for my ex husband, something I had pushed back for so long. How do you recover from such loss? I locked myself away in my children. Their needs and wants were paramount, but now how do I make it back? I keep hearing “what we lost in the fire, we will find in the ashes”, but that is not enough. I have no ashes. There is nothing of significance to sift through to tell me a life existed. I don’t trust my heart. I have difficulty determining what I feel from what I want/desire. I have to check each day, is this what I feel or just what I want. So, how do I make it back? Am I willing to love? Am I willing to place my heart, soul, and life in another’s hands? I don’t have the answers, but I know that I want to find out. I am tired and bored of being by myself. I find that I need to have acquaintances rather than friends, as I define. I am trying to let go of the idea that I will find a companion to replace my best friend. I have known for awhile that I will leave this place alone. That there will be no more children or husband than the ones I have now. It is makes my heart hurt, a physical pain. But I am here, I am willing, I will be open to live a life unexpected.
#oldlove #50Love #beinglove #myprotector