On Love, lessons from 50 #MyProtector #beingloved

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On Love, lessons from 50 #MyProtector #beingloved

LaurieCooper My Protector
My Protector
Laurie Cooper, Artist

I found this canvas in an antique shop in Houston’s Montrose neighborhood. It stopped my heart.  This is how I see myself.  This is who I am at my core.  But the picture can be interpreted differently from my view.  This is a mother protecting her son, a sister protecting her brother, a wife protecting her husband. That is what I see, that is how I see myself.  I thought about this all last week.  How do I love?  I fell in love with my best friend at 17 years of age.  We floated in, out and around one another even as I was set to marry someone else, it was interrupted by this man that I felt so drawn to protect.  We were together through three children and another 17 years.  Our parting was sadly hostile and it broke me in ways I am still recovering from.  Our oldest was married last October and for the first time I felt more peace around my ex than I had ever before.  I don’t think I will ever recover from the loss, it was devastating, destructive, and broke my heart.  Even as I write, I feel the tears welling.  The wedding allowed me a time to be at once happy, content, angry, anxious, and calm.  I looked out at my family and felt satisfaction, I felt love.  Love for my daughter and son to be married at last.  Love for my daughter and son supporting their sister.  I felt love for my ex husband, something I had pushed back for so long.  How do you recover from such loss?  I locked myself away in my children.  Their needs and wants were paramount, but now how do I make it back?  I keep hearing “what we lost in the fire, we will find in the ashes”, but that is not enough.  I have no ashes.  There is nothing of significance to sift through to tell me a life existed.  I don’t trust my heart.  I have difficulty determining what I feel from what I want/desire.  I have to check each day, is this what I feel or just what I want.  So, how do I make it back?  Am I willing to love?  Am I willing to place my heart, soul, and life in another’s hands?  I don’t have the answers, but I know that I want to find out.  I am tired and bored of being by myself.  I find that I need to have acquaintances rather than friends, as I define. I am trying to let go of the idea that I will find a companion to replace my best friend.  I have known for awhile that I will leave this place alone.  That there will be no more children or husband than the ones I have now.  It is makes my heart hurt, a physical pain.  But I am here, I am willing, I will be open to live a life unexpected.

 

#oldlove #50Love #beinglove #myprotector

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